I Hate Preseason When It's Not Polite

The Bears play their first preseason game tomorrow, which means it's time for all the sports media to show just how stupid they are by analyzing the game like the final score and victor are in any way the point of preseason games. Hint: they're not.

I watched a little bit of the St. Louis/Minnesota game today, and I have to say, Tavaris (or Tarvaris?) Jackson actually looked like he might know what he's doing behind center for the Vikings. Which was a little disheartening. I was hoping I'd get a season's worth of revenge for that Bears game we saw in the Metrodome when Henry Burris played the most comically bad game of football I've ever witnessed. Instead, Jackson looked fairly poised and ran the ball forward very effectively a few times. Of course, St. Louis didn't to much to make it difficult for him, so it's hard to tell how he'll react to a playoff-caliber defense, or even a halfway decent NFL quality defense. He didn't score any touchdowns, which is what the Strib article I read was mostly pissed about, but he was only in for a the first few drives, and they were his first ever starting for an NFL team, I think, right? Did he start a few games at the end of last season?

Anyway, I won't get to see any of the Bears game tomorrow, because I'm going to this, which I'd already decided to go to before I even knew it would be a possibility that I'd be able to watch the Bears game. Only one of the SOPcasts I tried worked today, so I'm just going to convince myself the Bears/Texans one wouldn't work tomorrow. But what's especially frustrating is that I'm not at all confident I'll be able to find anywhere a discussion of what happens in the game tomorrow that will actually discuss anything of possible importance that could happen tomorrow.

And, really, this is pretty much it:

-if Orton plays significantly better than Griese, it would be another significant step for claiming the backup spot, which would make him just one more Grossman freak accident from being the starter again. (At what point last season did the primary knock against Grossman switch from his inability to stay healthy to his neurotic brain? In any case, I wonder if he'll ever get to start a season with people thinking mostly positive things about him?) I'm kind of rooting for Orton to overtake Griese. Mainly because, I think, Orton said his dream vacation destination is Iowa. That's just so cute! Also, Griese's name is a homonym for greasy, which is a synonym for sleazy, which makes it hard for me not to think Griese must be a total sleaze ball.

-all those receivers battling it out for a roster position that may not even exist. I'd say it's only about a 50/50 shot the Bears will even keep a sixth receiver. If they do, I think it'll be because they don't expect Hester to end up being the type of receiver option they can count on as more than a novelty (even so, he'd be a hell of a novelty), and they want one more receiver who could potentially be an every-other-down receiver if injuries start to pile up. From the sounds of it, there are actually some pretty talented guys playing for the spot, especially David Ball and Mike Hass. Watching these guys try to make a play every single time they get to move should be pretty fun. And there might be three sentences about it in the Chicago Press.

Meanwhile, there will be a at least one entire article about how undominating the defense was against the hapless Texan offense. The article will make it sound like that matters. Get worried, Bears fans!

Dante Wesley to the Patriots?!

This sucks. I didn't feel all that strongly one way or the other about Dante Wesley, but just about the only weakness the Patriots appeared to possibly have this year was their secondary, what with Asante Samuel pulling a Lance Briggs over there and some other guy being all injured. The thing is, Wesley is actually good, and it seems likely he'll end up with significant playing time for the Pats. Which means now this will happen: When the Bears meet the Patriots in the Super Bowl, up by only three points with a minute and a half to go, Rex Grossman will get so excited that he'll forget you don't have to go deep for a TD when you have the ball and the lead with almost none time left, and he'll launch a deep ball directly to Wesley, who will then scamper back for a TD. Game over. Belichick will scowl boredly on the sidelines, hoping none of the guys can smell the pit odor wafting off his unwashed hoody/rag thing he wears, but then he'll figure, Fuck it, these guys don't matter to me, I'll smell however the hell bad I want to smell, I'm goddamn Bill Belichick and I just won more Super Bowls than Jesus, Hell, I'll just shit my pants right here on the sidelines because I can do that, normal rules just don't apply to me, no one can make me take a bath or wash my clothes, I don't want to enjoy anything, screw everybody here, God it's loud, God I hate it here. This will happen. Angelo just pretty much guaranteed it.

Laurence Holmes, on the Other Hand, is a Wonderful Camp Correspondent

The very end of Haugh's latest thing contains this little snippet:

"Even after seven seasons in Chicago, linebacker Brian Urlacher only reveals his personality in snippets. Another one came Monday night in an interview with Zach Zaidman on WSCR-AM's 'Bears All Access,' when Urlacher addressed the realities of his fame.

'I'll never be able to be the way I want to be or who I was,' Urlacher said. 'That's just the price you pay for the job I have.'

Of the Bears' signature Cover-2 defense, Urlacher summed it up well. 'I don't like it,' he said. 'But it works.'"

Especially interested to hear more of the context of Urlacher's quote about not liking the Cover-2, I decided to head on over to the WSCR website to see if the interview with Urlacher was archived anywhere. What I stumbled upon was so much cooler:

Laurence Holmes, who is apparently the host of something called "The Me Show," has been keepinga daily Bears Blog of camp so far. It's really good. He manages to give you a good sense of what the practices are like, of the personalities of the players and so on, along with tons of information of how practices are going and who's performing well, etc. Too bad the website is gross. It looks like it was designed in the mid-nineties. And, once again, no .rss feed... wtf?

David Haugh is a worthless camp correspondant

While Brandon McGowan was outplaying Chris Harris for the reserve safety spot, Haugh was whining about Briggs not offering the fans enough. The next day Haugh arrogantly post-covered the Harris trade as totally not surprising, saying that "the only people who didn't sense the inevitability of a move at the overstocked position seemed to be the ones who play it." While, them and you jackass! The story is mostly about how surprised Haugh is that the Bears are sold on Archuleta and McGowan. Maybe if he'd take the time to report on who's looking good in camp to those of us who aren't paid to watch training camp we could have seen it coming! Days later it turns out that Briggs is actually "High on the fans' list" and Dante Wesley wasn't even invited to Soldier Field and is offically on his way out the door. A development sprung on us after the fact due to a lack of reporting about McBride's leve of play. Another indication that Haugh has no idea how to do his fucking job!

Daily Herald Equals Daily (relatively) Awesome

I'd never checked it out before, but looking at the recent lists of articles they've posted, The Daily Herald has some pretty good sports reporting going on. They've even got an article about Wesley's demotion (which contained the fact, not mentioned elsewhere, that Wesley wasn't even at the Family Day practice tonight, he's that gone) and McBride's correspondent ascension. What's more, the article somehow manages to be informative without even mentioning(!) McBride's stuttering. If there were even the slightest chance that he'd read this, I'd say, "Hey, David Haugh! You should be taking notes!" Now if only The Daily Herald would join the modern world and publish an .rss feed...

David Haugh Longs to One Day Write Stories for a Rural Weekly

How else to explain Haugh's tendency to cling desperately to the softest angle he can find when turning in garbage like tonight's piece about Trumaine McBride.

What makes this piece especially galling is that there actually is a story about McBride that would be really interesting to read. Buried in John Mullin's tiny headlined piece about tonight's practice at Soldier Field is this little nugget:

"Cornerback Dante Wesley, signed by the Bears in 2006 from the Carolina Panthers, is headed elsewhere. He was made expendable by the rapid development of rookie Trumaine McBride. "Dante is not in our plans anymore," Smith said. "We're seeing what options there are out there for him."

Now, the last I'd read, it sounded like Wesley was having an extremely good camp. Whereas I can't remember hearing much about McBride before. The fact that Smith has apparently decided to trade Wesley really speaks to how well McBride must have been doing in camp so far. So if you also happen to be running an article about McBride, why not make it about how surprisingly well he's performed?

Mr. Haugh? "Because McBride is a stutterer!!! OMFGWTF!!! Who knew they even allow stutterers in the NFL?!! And, like, he has overcome his stuttering!!! To play in the NFL!!! While he stutters!!! Hoo-Doggy!!! This'll get me that Pulitzer for sure!!!"

It seems to me that, as compelling as McBride's stuttering may be, the way to do this article would be to make it about how McBride has been playing extremely well in camp. I mean, he was a seventh round pick that you wouldn't have been surprised to never hear about again, and he's playing so well that he's managed to already replace the guy in front of him—an entrenched backup who had been singled out multiple times over the last two years for performing exceedingly well in training camp. You throw in a few quotes from McBride about everything he's learned from the coaches, along with a few quotes from coaches about how surprisingly good he's looked, how he has picked up everything really fast. Then, to add a bit of the human angle to the story, throw in the interesting tidbit that McBride stutters, which, oh btw, is something he has in common with Adrian Peterson.

Instead, Haugh makes the stuttering the focus of the article. Every single quote in the article is about how McBride has had to overcome his stuttering. I counted only four sentences that mention McBride's football skills without also mentioning stuttering.

And how's this for unintentional irony: "As sensitive as Smith is to what McBride has overcome with his language, he doesn't want anybody to overlook how uncommon the statement he has made this early in his first NFL camp is either." Yeah. Congratulations, Haugh. You just did overlook that.

God I miss KC Johnson.

Bears Offense Sucks (Ssshhh!!!)

I'm currently enjoying a little schadenfreude reading about Moss's leg injury keeping him out of practice. I like Moss, but I don't know why the jerkface had to go and play for my two least favorite teams. And when he did go and play for a team I do like he spent the whole time slacking and being lame. I can't really hope a speedy recovery for him until either the Pats are firmly out of playoff contention or he's playing for another team, neither of which are likely to happen any time soon. So I guess that means I'm hoping that Moss's minor leg injury keeps him from playing football ever again. Wow I'm a jerk. But I am stubbornly hoping that the Patriots offense doesn't turn out to be as awesome as the consensus believes they will be.

On the other hand, I'm willing to buy all of the reports about the Bears offense looking really good so far this year. I have no problem believing that Grossman could have really gotten better in the off-season, mainly because it seemed obvious that his biggest problems were mental. When he felt comfortable it was fun to watch him; he seemed smooth. But it was obvious, as the season went on, he wasn't really able to make himself stay comfortable on the field for very long, culminating in the second Vikings game which was about as close as you'll ever get to seeing a professional athlete lose control of his bowels on national (or, what, regional? I watched it in San Francisco...) television. But, hey, I've been there. When I took Spanish my first semester at the University of South Dakota, I started off clean and smooth, picking everything up right away and not even having to study to stay ahead of the class. But we soon progressed to harder stuff and I got passes pretty quickly, so before I knew it I was sitting in front of a test quaking because I knew absolutely none of the answers. After that, even though I studied hard and managed to pull of a passing grade in the class, I never felt fully comfortable with any of it. A weird thing happened, though, during the year I took off of Spanish. It all sunk in. So when I came back and took Spanish 200, it was so much easier than I thought it'd be. I'd actually learned everything before, it was just that it took a while for my mind to become completely comfortable with it. And that has made all the difference.

Since quarterbacking an NFL team is so similar to trying to pass Spanish class, I've convinced myself something similar will happen with Grossman. He blew by the first few weeks, but then he thought he didn't need to learn anything new and got hopelessly behind, and so even though he actually did progress quite a bit in the last few games of the season and into the post-season (not counting the GB game, of course, which, I mean, come one, the game meant nothing, he's a person, can we really blame him for not caring?), but he just never managed to get completely comfortable with all of it. So now, after a break, his mind's had time to get fully wrapped around what he learned, and everything will probably seem a lot easier this season. Provided, of course, he doesn't get as cocky as what led to his downfall last season.

Plus, by all reports, the offense has gotten way faster. Berrian's looking even better; Bradley's healthy for the first time and having an amazing camp; Hester is looking like he'll work on offense much better than anyone hoped; and Greg Olsen is a 6'5" freak. At least if you believe everything coming out of mini-camp. Which I do. For fun.

But what's really got me excited about the Bears offense this season is that it's a commonly known fact that they suck. Grossman's terrible. Benson can't stay healthy. Their receivers suck. I don't know how much perceptions like that actually effect other teams' game planning, my guess is not all that much, but even if the Bears offense manages to play better than I think they will, it's still going to take until probably the tenth or eleventh week for that perception to waver. People will still expect them to start sucking until then. People probably will think that they suck all season anyway, even if they don't. They'll have no shot to win a playoff game. And not a chance in hell to win the Super Bowl. I hope that's how it turns out anyway, for the completely selfish reason that it's so much more fun to cheer for a team no one expects to do anything than a team everyone expects to dominate everybody. It makes me feel like I know something that other people don't.

It Worked!

"For he had healed many; insomuch that they pressed upon him for to touch him, as many as had plagues." Mark 3:10

Wow! Never again shall I doubt the power of prayer! I spent all day muttering to myself the Hamstring Healing Prayer, and lo and behold, Hester returned to practice this evening! Of course, it's hard for me not to see such immediate action from God as a veiled threat... Now, I must walk only the true strait and narrow, for fear that any wavering will result in a retaliatory smiting of Devin Hester's leg from Our Mighty Lord!

Also, Go Defense! The article that buried the mention of Hester's return to practice is really about how the defense rose to Bob Babich's challenge to get six turnovers in practice. That's what I like to hear! Bear Down!

A Prayer of Healing for Devin Hester's Hamstring

I have to admit, I'm getting a little bit scared about Devin Hester's hamstring.

In 2004, Urlacher's hamstring first asserted its presence during the first weeks of training camp, and it kept messing with Urlacher throughout the season. Everyone kept insisting it was getting better, but Urlacher just never seemed to be playing at full speed that season. Then his leg blew up in week 11, and he missed the most important game of the season against Inianapolis, leading to a 41-10 loss. Urlacher's hamstring wasn't mentioned, but hamstrings are like the mafia Dons of leg ligaments: nothing goes down without the hamstring's permission.

The reports about Hester's hamstring are not as ominous sounding as those of Urlacher's were, but Hester pretty much sat out of training camp all week. Lovie can say that it's more precaution than anything, but that sounds an awful lot like spin to me. Regardless of how amazing Hester initially looked with the offense, he's new to the position and if he's going to be an effective offensive weapon, he needs as much time as he can working with the offense. Each day Hester just hangs out on the sidelines yukking it up with Moose is a wasted day that could greatly diminish his effectiveness.

Hamstrings are a serious issue, and like many a scared helpless relative before me, I would like to turn my my worry about Hester's Hamstring over to The Lord. One need look no further than The New Jerusalem Church on the Rock to see the gravity of the situation. Here we see that "A big problem that naturally occurs when peoples are hamstrung without freedom to develop and become righteously productive is that the hardships are heavily, overly balanced through lack of the 'goodships', so that persons are not easily reached by proper, righteous, balanced reasoning." During the opening days of training camp, Hester was able to provide all of us Bears fans with plenty of goodships to be thankful for. But the Hamstring has become a tool of the devil, surrounding our hearts and Hester's body with heavy hardships. And so, I'd like to offer this evening a prayer of Healing for Devin Hester's Hamstring:

FATHER,

each and every day I see You
Working Miracles in lives, in hamstrings,
and I know that with You all things are Possible.

Therefore with great confidence, we do ask,
that You will Continue to Guide us,
we that love Your Righteousness and Freedom,
towards the hamstring healing that we need
for our spiritual and worldly Salvation.

As ever, we pray for all who are in harm's way,
and for them with an insufficient hamstrings,
we ask for Your Healing to Prevail among them.

Amen

(adapted from newjerusalemcity.org)

Preseason Viewing Guide

This could be one of the most entertaining seasons ever! With the exception of McKie and Hillenmeyer, the entire starting line-up could realistically make the Pro-bowl. It won't happen, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't.

Grossman's second year could be every bit as good as his sophomore year at Florida. It sounds like he fixed his irksome tendency to run backwards and throw against his body every fourth play or so, and all game every fourth game or so. And even if he didn't, Kyle Orton spent the entire offseason turning into an NFL quality backup. With shotgun back in and 10 wins under his belt already, the passing game seems in pretty good hands. My only question is, if Chris Leak plays well enough that he can't be hidden on the practice squad for a year will the Bears hold four quarterbacks or are Griese's days numbered?

Benson is ready for at least 1500 yards—probably more like 1800 if he gets the bulk of the carries, and if Ron Turner doesn't start to think that it's too fun to throw to the ridiculous receiving corps below and totally stop running around week 9. Peterson has always shown potential and will be a sufficient backup, and I'm seriously excited about seeing Wolfe and/or Hester in the backfield.

Berrian could be the best deep threat in the NFL. Hester might be better at Reggie Bush than Reggie Bush. Davis plays the slot very well and is a better sixth option than most teams have. Bradley's back in the exact same situation as last year and Muhammed is now barely mentioned as the sure-handed, wily vet who will probably do most of his damage on third down and in the end zone. The question here will be the fates of Hass, Ball and James, all of whom I'm excited about watching during preseason.

Olsen and Clark will prove unstoppable.

The only real concern for this season is the lack of depth and age of the OLine: if Tait goes down or if two of the starters get hurt the Bears will be vulnerable, but otherwise the Chargers, Eagles and Broncos games should be the only possible blemishes.

The defense should be back to their Craig Krenzel-Kyle Orton days of domination. Lovie's scheme is simple and relies on speed and athletecism more than brains. The Bears have a ton of the first two and just enough of the last, with probably one of the fastest rosters ever.

Tommie Harris is back. Walker is an upgrade at Nose, and Dvoracek and Adams are upgrades from Scott and Boone. Idonije is great depth. Garray and Bazuin better get healthy quick or they're likely to get cut or put on IR respectively.

The linebackers are great, everyone knows this, and Williams and Okwo will both be more than adequate cover by midseason.

And the defensive backfield fits Lovie perfectly with Archuleta back in his system and McGowan, Manning and Payne much more athletic reserves than Harris, Worrell and Johnson were. The interesting question will be if Wesley stays ahead of McBride and Graham.

All around there is enough depth to lose two starters from each group and still have at least two pro-bowlers on the field.

The kickers are great. The returners are just as good. But the preseason fun will be watching Leak, Hass and Ball try to earn roster spots based on position play against both Ayanbadejo's, Wilson, Wesley, Graham and McBride working to make the team primarily on special teams.

Chris Harris Won't Have to Worry about Steve Smith Anymore

According to chicagosports.com the Bears have just traded Chris Harris to the Panthers for a 2008 draft pick. Harris played extremely well as a rookie in 2005, and I thought he was poised for a breakout season last year. But he pretty much failed to break out. With Brown and Archuleta as the starters and Manning and McGowan the apparent backups, it was hard to see where Harris would fit in this year. Still, I kind of liked the guy, largely because of this Every Play Counts article from Football Outsiders in 2005, and I hate to see him shucked off to that stinkhole Carolina. But Angelo does like his draft picks. He was down one after the Walker trade, and safety is a spot with kind of extra depth at this point, so from that standpoint the trade makes sense.

Now, if only we had readers... I just checked the Bears home page and the front page poll is "which safety will have the most interceptions in 2007?" One option is Chris Harris, who I then voted for because I just couldn't resist. There could be a campaign to get Harris the lead in votes before they switch the question! Oh that would be funny! Reality would probably collapse in on itself, and suddenly we'd find ourselves living in a world in which there never were any Carolina Panthers, and Chris Harris would be a lonely mechanic living in the Arizona desert, filled with some horrible feeling that this just wasn't how it was supposed to be, and he'd pause every ten minutes to wipe his forearm across his sweaty brow and stare off into the sun-baked distance, waiting for something he just couldn't name...

Let Us Now Praise Darwin Walker

He hasn't even played a game for the Bears yet, but already I'm in love with this guy. The Bears signed Walker to a long-term deal after having him for only like five days, so either they've suddenly gone crazy or they see something really special here. I'm willing to believe it's the latter.

But here's why I really love Walker today: he has his own website! And it's hilarious! Check out, especially, his To-Do-List, where he keeps track of all the quarterbacks he's faced and puts "SACKED!" across their face when he's got 'em. It's like those abortion-doctor hit-list sites, except not creepy and way funnier. I really hope he updates the site for the Bears season. Maybe he could convince other Bears defenders to set up similar sites.

Bizarro John Clayton Hearts Bears?

Apparently, John Clayton has been replaced by his Bizarro-world doppelgänger, because his little article about Bears camp is filled with nothing but praise for the Bears. Plus, there's this:

"The story of camp is Hester. Bears beat writer John Mullin officially named the 2007 camp, "The Devin Hester Experience." Watching him run routes is like listening to old Jimi Hendrix records -- explosive, exciting and unpredictable. Any fan would love to hang from the "Watchtower" to see the show."

There is no effing way John Clayton, the Mr. Mackey of the real world, has ever listened to old Jimi Hendrix records. I imagine that even if he sat there listening to Hendrix by himself, on headphones, he'd look around uncomfortably grinning and hunching his shoulders, waiting for the cool kids to come in and take the record away from him. "Silly Mr. Mackey! Hendrix is for stoners and jocks! Here's your favorite Burl Ives record. Do yourself a favor and stop pretending to be what your not!" Then, of course, they'd punch him on the shoulder and laugh-grunt their way out of the room.

And why the hell would you want to "hang" from the watchtower? Why not just stand on top of it, where it'd be easier to watch and you wouldn't have to worry about losing your grip and falling to your death?

It is kind of exciting to hear all this stuff about the Bears offense suddenly being so fast. Even though it makes me a little worried that the defense apparently isn't creaming them. Offense is all well and good, but the Bears just aren't as fun to watch when the other team's offense isn't clobbered into submission by midway through the third quarter...

Anderson vs. Brown: The Prestige

Sometimes I kind of like the stuff David Haugh writes for the Tribune, but a lot of his stuff is just too focused on analyzing the personalities of Bears players. And sometimes his articles leave me wondering if he even watches the games.

His analysis of five position battles to watch in Bears training camp mentions two spots on the line. In discussing the promotion of Anderson to starting right end over Brown, he says, "Anderson did have 12 sacks in limited time as a rookie, and likely will improve against the run. But how will he fare playing every down and being a pass-rusher offenses double-team or chip with a running back?" I've heard a few places that Bears coaches treat the line as more of a rotation than being necessarily about who starts and who's a backup, so this statement coming from Haugh seems really strange to me.

In later discussion of Dvoracek versus Adams, Haugh seems to express skepticism about Smith calling the line a "rotation." I have no idea where I'd find any statistics about the percentage of snaps each d-lineman saw, but from what I remember from the games last season, Anderson did see significant time on the field while he was technically a backup. I mean, it was amazing that he got 12 sacks, but it's not like he was getting a sack every other play he was on the field or anything. I expect that the same will hold for this season, and that Anderson's promotion to "starter" will really mean that Anderson and Brown will come closer to splitting time evenly at the position, with it being more likely that Anderson will play slightly more than Brown.

So, sure, it will be interesting to watch the battle between Anderson and Brown for the starting position, but any close observer of the Bears should know that it's not going be too significant of a thing w/r/t playing time for either player. It's mainly a matter of pride and, eventually, of contracts. So why doesn't Haugh just characterize it as that, instead of trying to drum it up into being about who gets to play and who has to watch all season from the sidelines?

Plus, his article would be way more interesting and informative if it had contained interviews or even quotes from the position coaches who'll be assessing these position battles during training camp. If I were a sportswriter I would be doing whatever I could to get to ask those guys a few questions, especially at this point in the season. Why is there exactly none of that in any coverage of the Bears that I've ever been able to find. Is it that papers think readers will be bored when they see an assistant-level coach quoted or something? Why is sports reporting so consistently shallow and uncurious?

When Men were (smaller) Men

I think Mike Tomlin is going to be a really effing good coach, and I couldn't be happier that the Stillers scooped him out of the clutches of the evil Vikings, and I can sort of understand the impulse as a new coach to assert your "I ain't goin' soft on nobody" attitude at the kickoff of training camp which apparently has caused Tomlin to run full-contact drills on the first day of camp. I seem to remember Lovie did something like that during his first training camp as coach of the Bears, which pretty quickly backfired when Mike Brown suffered the first of his season-destroying injuries and Brian Urlacher pulled a hamstring that bothered him for most of that season. I guess no one questioned Lovie's toughness, but part of the reason most training camps are not as intense as they apparently used to be is because present-age football players are way the fuck more gigantic and fast than they were back then, so they tend to get hurt more when they are made to run into each other repeatedly. It's not that they're a bunch of pussies. So, y'know, be careful Mike Tomlin.

ESPN is Dumb: Reason 47

And this one isn't even complaining about their Bears analysis. This is just about what they apparently think is the type of sports coverage they should be bragging about. This is from their front page today: "Today is Michael Vick Day on Hashmarks. Pinch-blogger Mike Sando will be live blogging MV throughout the day. And we'll have more than five hours of Vick coverage on ESPN and ESPNEWS." That's supposed to make me want to watch ESPN? Actually it made me glad that I don't have cable or ESPN just because that means there's no way that I might accidentally flip through it and be exposed to any more Michael Vick than I already have. Seriously, ESPN folks, wait until the story's happened, and then write about it. Just because Michael Vick is involved doesn't mean this is actually a sporting event that needs to be covered with play-by-play... Actually, now that I think about it, it would be pretty funny if they had Joe Buck doing play-by-play on Michael Vick's pre-trial hearing or whatever the hell is going on today. You'd probably have to alert the Guinness people because I'm sure Buck would reach new unheard of levels of righteous indignation. At least in this case it would kind of be appropriate...

At least I'm housebroken

Here's hoping it's true that Briggs signed a deal with the Bears and won't be holding out after all, if for no other reason than that all the members of the Chicago sports media will have to find something else to write about than the impending doom of the Bears defense without Lance Briggs. Now we will get to see if they'll try to stick with their angle and claim that the defense is going to truly drop a notch because of the loss of Terry Johnson, Alfonso Boone, and Ian Scott. Maybe their arguments will go something like this: Much like the Dude's rug, those three average tackles reeeeally tied the defense, which for the sake of this analogy is like a room, together. Now that they're gone, the defense, which is now like the Dude, will embark on some pointless quest which will put them in greater danger of peril before finally realizing after it's too late and Donny (Maybe Babich? No, Rivera!) is already dead that they just didn't need the fucking rug (Scott, Boone, Johnson) in the first place.

Football Outsiders hates on the Bears some more

Football Outsiders just ranked the Bears defensive line at ninth in the league, which makes me pissed off beyond any reasonable level. Of course it's not too surprising to see New England at the top of the list. They're total Patriots homers over at FO, and are at least generally willing to admit that it might affect their analysis of the Patriots, so I'm willing to allow that since the Pats d-line probably does belong in the top five you might as well put them at number one if you're a fan. But ranking the Vikings at sixth? The Vikings are supposed to have a better d-line than the Bears? That is just utter bullshit. They've got two linemen who are worth anything: the Williams fellows. And, sure, because of them, you can't really run up the middle against the Vikes. But Kevin Williams' major selling point is that he shares a last name with the All-Pro playing next to him. The Vikes' ends could be traded out with ends from half a dozen other teams around the league and no one would notice or care. So, if the Vikes are ranked sixth for being Pat Williams and a bunch of mediocre to better than average guys, why are the Bears, who have Tommie Harris playing the Pat Williams roles, not to mention Mark Anderson, Alex Brown, and Adewale Ogunleye rotating in and out on the ends, why are they ranked ninth? Well, according to Mr. Macey's explanation, it seems to be that the Bears have been ranked at the average of where they would be ranked with Tommie Harris and without Tommie Harris, since their line clearly declined with Tommie Harris sidelined during the second half of the season last year. Actually, I think ninth is more like where they should be ranked if you just figure that Harris isn't going to play this year, which would be stupid to figure, but how come the Bears' hypothetical ranking is suffering based on a hypothetical injury? Especially when, say, Carolina, who Macey ranks third and then goes on to describe every single member of their line as being surrounded by injury questions, is ranked where they'd be if their whole line suddenly got way better. So, Chicago's d-line loses rank because their best player was injured last year, but Carolina, whose entire line has problems staying healthy, is given the benefit of every doubt?

Man, I can't wait for football season.

ESPN is Dumb: Reasons 45 & 46

45:So, I was bored, and I wanted to see some more football coverage, so I thought I'd check out ESPN's Scouts, Inc.'s rankings of teams by position, and the only link anywhere I could find was the one for special teams. Of course the Bears are ranked number one; anyone who would even bother trying to argue just obviously doesn't know what they're talking about. But ESPN's reasoning for why Bears special teams are good mentions three names before they even get to mentioning Dave Toub. Robbie Gould, Brendon Ayenbadejo, and Devin Hester. I suppose there's not too much of a problem with putting Devin Hester in there, since he, at least last season, was playing on a completely different level than any other returner. So, fine. But what I think is annoying about this is that the Bears special teams is so good primarily because of how Dave Toub coaches and how the organization in general treats special teams. A player's ability to contribute on special teams makes a major difference in where the Bears draft him, even for early-round picks. The Bears coaching staff sees special teams as nearly or just as important as defense and offense. ST is not just this afterthought that you let your bench players do so they can feel like they're contributing. So, anyway, the fact that there's not even a mention of the major difference between Bears special teams philosophy and nearly every other team in the league is, I think, a really stupid absence.

46:ESPN is having this sportsnation vote thing about each NFL Team, and in their "Key Additions" column for the Bears, they mention Obafami Ayenbadejo, Dan Bazuin, and Greg Olsen. No mention of Adam Archuleta? wtf? I know he didn't work in Washington's system, but he was great under Smith in Smith's system at St. Louis. No reason to assume he won't at least be an upgrade at the position for the Bears, behind Brown. And given the importance of the Safety position in Smith's defense, Archuleta surely merits mention before Ayenbadejo. Dumb.

re: ESPN's Hashmarks Offseason Power Rankings

Well, I had a dream last night wherein I was reading some misguided analysis of the Bears defense, centering largely on the possible absence of Lance Briggs, which is an interesting variation on the Bears dreams I've had during past summers. But apparently I'm caring about this again. And then while fiddling around on the internet I stumbled across ESPN's little pre-preseason power rankings thing by Matt Mosley. So I'm just going to correct a few things he seems to think.

Not surprisingly the entire entry on the Bears, whom he ranks 6th, 3rd best in the NFC, is concerned only with Briggs and Tank Johnson. No mention of picking up Archuleta, which will allow the Bears to either have the best Safety tandem in the league (Archuleta/Brown), or at the very least, not to have a significant fall-off in that area should either suffer an injury. Smith's whole scheme is built pretty heavily around the safety, so an upgrade like this easily balances out the potential loss of Briggs. Briggs is an amazing player who plays a position that on this defense is largely about being in the right spot. Having Briggs in that spot is actually more gaudy than essential. Which is kind of why I can understand why, from his position, he might want to go play on a different team, where he could make full use of his potential. But, whatever. A potential holdout by Briggs would at worst be a mild distraction for a game or two, until it becomes obvious that he wasn't necessary for the proper running of the defense.

As far as Tank goes. The Bears were totally stacked at the line with Tank, and they're still pretty much stacked at the line without him. None of their tackles are as good as Tank was. Except, of course, for Tommie Harris. Who is the best in the league. So it's not like they're really hurting. No one knows how good Dvoracek will be, but it seems about an even bet that he'll end up being at least as good as Tank going by Angelos track record in drafting defensive linemen. Just like with Briggs, losing Tank merely downgrades the Bears defense at one position from gaudy to easily in the top four or five in the league, and with the type of upgrade they got at safety, I'd say that overall the changes in the defense amount to--at worst--a wash.

They were pretty clearly the best team in the NFC for the majority of the season, and proved it when it mattered. How exactly the Tank and Briggs thing is supposed to be big enough of a deal that they could be moved down below New Orleans and Philadelphia is not exactly clear to me. New Orleans will likely be as good as they were last season; maybe even better. They'll not have the huge emotional boost they had at the beginning of the season, but they'll be able to build on what was obviously a really good team after that wore off. So I couldn't say for sure that the Bears deserve a higher spot than New Orleans, although I'm pretty sure they do. But Philadelphia is three or four years removed from their peak, and have had two seasons in a row killed by a serious injury to McNabb. If McNabb stays healthy for the whole season, they'll be in the competition with New Orleans and Chicago for the top spot, but I think they have to prove it.