Dear Mark Anderson,

Brett Favre is old and slow. You are young and fast. Tonight would be a good night to show the entire football-watching world that if they don't know your name yet they're stupid. Destroy Brett Favre.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Tommie Harris,

You've had some pretty great games so far in your career. You should try to make tonight your best game so far. Favre will be waiting back there like a ripe apple. Pluck him.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Darwin Walker,

You're pretty good, but you share the line with a couple of insane guys (see above). Let's see you show everyone that your not just an afterthought on this line. You know who's picture would look great on your website with the red word "SACKED!" stamped over his face? Brett Favre.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Adewale Ogunleye,

We're paying you a hell of a lot of money, and you've been solid in you time here, but you've never been the player you were hyped to be. If you have the best game of your career tonight, all of that will be forgotten. This game is that important. Brett Favre is a cupcake. Smoosh him so all the cream filling comes out.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Alex Brown,

Yeah, you were pissed that you got benched, but have you seen the guy that replaced you? Well, you're going to get a number of chances to be on the field tonight. Do you have any idea what an amazing game you'd have to have to make the Bears coaches even entertain the slightest possibility of thinking that maybe you should still be the starter? Have that type of game. Make Brett Favre regret that he didn't pull a Barry Bonds and skip the next game celebrating after breaking his big record.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Brian Urlacher,

I saw what you did in the second half against Arizona last year. You should just do that for the whole game tonight.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Lance Briggs,

I don't know if you're playing tonight or not, but my guess is that you will. This game is that important. All the soreness in your hamstring tomorrow will only be worth it if you use tonight to start the conversation in Bearsland that maybe, just maybe, you actually do deserve more money than Brian Urlacher. Tonight would be a perfect night to have the type of a game.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Hunter Hillenmeyer,

Does it ever make you just a little annoyed that because of the ridiculous talent-level of the guys playing around you, everyone pretty much forgets you're there? Make sure no one forgets you're out there tonight.

Thanks,
Bears Geek.

Dear Adam Archuleta,

You certainly have not been the bust they thought you were in Washington, but you haven't really been the guy Lovie Smith said he was bringing in. I know you can be that guy, and tonight would be a perfect night to prove it. The last time you were on national television, the most notable thing involving you was that time you got blocked into oblivion by that Dallas receiver. You should be involved in at least five plays like that tonight, except you should be the giver in all of them.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Danieal Manning,

More than any individual player, I blame you for the Super Bowl loss last year. An incredible game tonight would go a long way toward helping me forget about that. Do it.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Charles Tillman,

So, I read somewhere that you might have been exaggerating the severity of your ankle injury and that you'll be out on the field tonight. If so, that's kinda weird, but whatever. Make sure the name of the receiver you're covering isn't even mentioned during the broadcast, unless it's along the lines of "so-and-so should have fought harder for that ball, because Tillman just took it away from him". That's all I ask.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Bears rookie CBs,

I don't really know which of you will be playing tonight. Make sure I still don't know after the game, unless you have at least one interception.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Devin Hester,

Every chance you get, which I'm not expecting to be very many tonight, think, "end zone." Make sure teams know they're better off taking the penalty for kicking it out of bounds than even risking you touching the ball. There probably won't be a punt that lands in bounds tonight, but if there is, make sure they know just how incredibly stupid of a decision it was they just made. And, yeah, I know that screen thing Ron Turner drew up for you is just about the stupidest play anyone's ever invented, but if anyone in history could make that play work, it is you. Do it.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Ron Turner,

Goddamn you're terrible. Most games you are the worst offensive coordinator in the NFL. Pull out all the stops tonight, and make it look like you're only not especially good. I don't think I'm asking too much, here. And, Jesus Christ, get the ball to Greg Olsen a few times, alright? I mean, that's just so flippin' obvious that I can't believe we're five games into the season and I have to put that into a stupid little fake letter to you, and that even when I type I'm pretty sure it's not actually going to happen. You can't possibly be as stupid as I think you are, can you?

Yuck,
Bears Geek

Dear Olin Kreutz,

You're a mean mofo. Make whichever GB guys you're blocking wish he were Fred Miller, and that you decided to break his jaw instead of blocking him.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear rest of Bears offensive line,

Olin Kreutz will break your jaws if you don't have the best game of this still young season. I know you're getting old, but you're not that much older than you were last year. Mind over matter, fellows. Running lanes!

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Cedric Benson,

Wtf, dude? You're better than this and you know it. You're not a moves guy. You're a fast, hard, and straight kinda guy. Make Green Bay's defenders sorry they tried to tackle you.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Garret Wolfe,

Looks like Adrian Peterson probably won't be playing tonight, which means you'll probably get more chances than usual. Make it clear just how stupid Ron Turner has been for not using you so far.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Bears QB,

Yeah, I'm not even going to mention your name. Sometimes quarterbacks make it through entire games without throwing an interception. It's not unheard of. That's all I'm asking. And, say, a 50% completion percentage. I'm being modest here, guy. Stop thinking about yourself. Think about how much the Bears need this win over the Packers, and how they don't need a hero quarterback for that. All they need is a quarterback who doesn't become the villain of the piece. For God's sake...

Thanks,
Bears Geek

Dear Rest of Bears Offense,

I know you're kind of held back by the guy who's calling plays for you. Make that not matter. Know where those first down sticks are, and make it there. Don't even think beyond that.

Thanks,
Bears Geek

PS: This is the first game of the season where, if you win, it will be a big deal. That's pretty messed up. You've been in every game into the fourth quarter. Play the extra half-hour tonight to make sure the game is yours. The season is still pretty young, but if you lose tonight, you're not even going to make it to the playoffs. Play like that's what's on the line.