Monday, October 01, 2007

I'm Not Here; This Isn't Happening

Apparently, my interest in the NFL in general wanes along with the Bears' stature in it. I knew this already, but I'm intrigued by the fact that it also has some sort of Doppler Effect going on with it: when the Bears are on the ascendency, as I've felt they were ever since hiring Lovie Smith, in interest in the NFL grows at a much quicker pace, like a sound that's artificially higher as a noisy object approaches. But the Bears announcement of suckitude against the Cowboys, followed by their mind-boggling collapse against Detroit this week feels exactly like that point when an ambulance passes you and it's pitch shifts suddenly downward.

The Patriots just beat Cincinnati, making them 4-0, and the Packers won this week, also making them 4-0, and that's about all I know that's happening anywhere. I think Oakland might have beat Miami or something? I hardly care. On some level, I'm balancing actually being happy for Randy Moss that he's proved to everyone so far that he's still probably the best receiver in the NFL with my utter despair at the fact that all it took for him to do it was to go to my second-most-hated team. But I care about it the same amount I care that there's a new sitcom on abc or cbs or somewhere starring a Geico advertisement.

Which all just makes me hate Ron Turner that much more. If the Bears were 4-0, like they would be with a halfway competent offense, the NFL would seem like a much more colorful place to me. That's right Ron Turner: You are robbing me of the enjoyment of football fandom. Please, please, please, please, please figure out what the hell you're doing, or else move your ass to Brazil, where they wouldn't even know how to meaningfully translate the phrase "football shape" into Portuguese.

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