I Can't Wait for Football Season to Start, for All the Wrong Reasons

I just don't care about fourth preseason games, usually, but tomorrow night's game cannot happen soon enough. Why? So the Chicago sports press can shut the hell up about Lance Briggs already!!!

There are plenty of interesting non-football issues to talk about, even, if they want to. Like, check out this story about how some guy is getting charged with cyberstalking Adam Archuleta's girlfriend.

You know how you get random readers to stop on the sports page Chicago Tribune? Run a huge photo of Adam Archuleta's girlfriend! Maybe include an interview with Archuleta about what it's like to have your gf cyberstalked. For fun, ask Archuleta what they talk about. What the last book they read together was. Stuff like that.

You're the sports press. I understand you want to talk about "real" issues, because despite the fact that virtually every NFL game is sold out (and only because people want to see the games! bizarre!), somehow you don't think actually covering the NFL is a "real" job. Take a deep breath. Resolve yourself to the fact that you just don't have a real life baddy on your hands like those lucky cats in the Atlanta sports press do. Go get drunk and vent your moral outrage at each other. And stop fucking polluting my sports pages with your infantile garbage!!! Go ask Lovie Smith some football questions already!!!

You wanna know how weird it is that the sports press can't leave this stuff alone? Can you imagine if Forbes just started filling it's pages with stories about every accident or DUI that every high-level manager got into at big accounting firms? In fact, the people who cover the current administration in the mainstream press seem to have the opposite problem as sports reporters. Maybe they should switch jobs! The mainstream policy wonks could all come to cover the sports arena, where it would suddenly be of value for them to get over things like this Briggs thing rather quickly. And the sports reporters, seething already with moral outrage, could finally have something to really get upset about! Can you imagine David Haugh putting his deconstruction skills to one of Tony Snow's press conferences? Then at least he'd be doing a service to our country!